Slash And Burn

Godzilla Vs. Destroyah

Director: Takao Okawara
Actors: Takuro Tatsumi, Yoko Ishino, Megumi Odaka
Year Released: 1995
Genre: Kaiju
See Also: Gojira, Godzilla Final Wars

I picked up Godzilla Vs. Destroyah because I heard he died in it—whoops, SPOILER—and I wanted to see how Toho made that happen 40 years after they dissolved the original Godzilla in a bunch of Alka-Seltzer tablets. Godzilla's eventual meltdown at the end is pretty spectacular, but getting there is a hard (and often hard to watch) slog.

My copy of Destroyah (dubbed from Tri Star) also includes Godzilla Vs Space Godzilla, the previous entry in the early-90s series. As it came first, I decided to watch it first and thus make my enjoyment of Godzilla's demise all the more pathos-filled. After 15 minutes, I skipped straight to the end. What a pile of shit.

"He's more machine, now, than man." Obi-Wan was talking about Darth Vader there but he may as well have been referencing Godzilla. By the mid-90s, all the humanity of Godzilla had been wiped away by animatronic heads and bulky suits that bore no resemblance to the man trapped deep inside. The result was boring fight sequences in which the monsters barely even touched. Ryuhei Kitamura thankfully injected some old-school brawling into his Godzilla Final Wars, but before that Godzilla Vs. Destroyah had to up the ante to even bigger and bulkier costumes. The final Destroyah is so big, it looks like a Macy's day balloon float flying around Odaiba.

So yeah, Destroyah. What a stupid foe. Part Predator, part Alien, part crab, all lame. Every time it appeared on screen I couldn't help but sigh in disappointment. It was so obviously a mechanical thing. You could practically hear the servos whining whenever it creaked its head around. From the obvious Jurassic Park rip-off sequence with the human-sized crab Destroyah chasing Yoko Ishino around a parking lot, to the final battle with the oversized beast, Destroyah was nothing but crap.

What saves the ponderous Godzilla Vs. Destroyah from being yet another pile of shit is Godzilla's impending doom. The nuclear reactor that is his heart is starting to become unstable, threatening first explosion and then meltdown. Neither reaction is good, as both will lead to the destruction of the Earth's atmosphere and all life on the planet. Godzilla, glowing red with heat and constantly giving off steam, is understandably pissed off. In pain and confusion, he trashes Hong Kong, Taipei and then Tokyo, letting off fire blasts like a terminal cancer patient screaming, "Why me?!" Depicting the big guy in so much pain humanizes him again. At last, he's the monster we remember from our childhoods, not the overgrown Chuck E. Cheese animatronic that Toho so cruelly replaced him with in 1984.

I'll refrain from describing Godzilla's demise and let you experience it for yourself. Suffice it to say, director Takao Okawara does a fine and respectful job of dispatching the big guy to the next world (thanks in large part to a wonderful score by longtime franchise associate Akira Ifukube). Godzilla is dead. Long live Godzilla.

—Adam Douglas

Otaku Alert: Momoko Kochi reprises her role from the original Gojira. It was her last film appearance.

Terror Beneath The Sea

Japanese Title: Kaitei Daisenso
Director: Hajime Sato
Actors: Sonny Chiba, Peggy Neal, Franz Gruber
Year Released: 1966
Genre: Sci-fi, Action
See Also: The Green Slime, Goke, Body Snatcher From Hell

Before Sonny Chiba was the Street Fighter. Before he was Jubei Yagyu, Lord Conquer, or Hattori Hanzo. Before he was even "Sonny" Chiba, he was Ken, erstwhile journalist and (probably) boyfriend of Jenny, the hottest white chick in Japan in 1966. Before Shinichi became the unstoppable action hero of Japanese—nay, worldwide—film, he starred in a crappy little Japanese/American co-production called Terror Beneath The Sea.

Apparently a lot of people like this movie, although I can't really see why. It's not super bad like some Gamera films are, nor is it the kind of subversive science fiction that sneaks in as a genre picture and then blows your mind. No, it's just a run-of-the-mill B-movie with run-of-the-mill special effects and a depressing unwillingness to make the most of its star.

Ken and Jenny (Peggy Neal, an especially hot blonde who probably made her way to Japan to model, ended up in film, and then disappeared into specialty hostess bars for the better part of the '70s) are journalists covering the Navy's latest submarine torpedo tests. During the test, a strange figure swims past the underwater camera. The Navy claims innocence so Ken and Jenny don scuba gear and head for the deep. Turns out there's a kind of underwater city down there off the coast of Japan that's cranking out android fish men like they were going to serve them as sushi.

Right, so let's cut to Sonny Chiba kicking some cross-eyed fish man butt. Unfortunately, Ken and Jenny spend most of the second half of the film strapped to a lab table, having white glue applied to their chins and hands to approximate fish scales. Meanwhile, the US Navy bungles its way through the ocean, with the seamen all standing way too close to each other. Don't ask, don't tell is fine, but please, one and a half feet, OK? The city falls apart when the fish man mind control thingee breaks and the same three fish guys riot and get shot over and over again so it looks like there are lots of them. Finally, Sonny kicks a few gills but then it's over and Ken and Jenny head back into the sea for a little interracial scuba bliss.

I have to say, I liked the fact that Terror Beneath The Sea paired a white woman with an Asian man, rather than the other way around, as per usual. I mean, he's Sonny Chiba! What woman wouldn't melt at the site of his black swim trunks?

The Japanese version is 11 minutes longer. This is the only time I would actually prefer a shorter running time.

—Adam Douglas

Otaku Alert: Masami Fukushima, who wrote the book that Terror Beneath The Sea is based on, also adapted Matango for the screen and wrote the story for Godzilla Vs Mechagodzilla.